Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
