I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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