oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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