I must be too annoying 4 u.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
