Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Randomize
