So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Randomize
