when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
