We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Randomize
