hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
