we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Randomize
