you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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