I hate your face
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
