how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
Randomize
