my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize