If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
