Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
