i think my tv is drunk
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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