if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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