I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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