you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
