i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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