And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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