god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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