it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize