you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize