you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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