I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
