Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Randomize
