She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Randomize
