My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
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