oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
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