you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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