I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Did you pee in the oven last night??
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
