god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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