Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
