saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
