take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Randomize
