I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
