the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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