Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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