things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
