I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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