what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
