I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
