If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
You're a waste of cheezeits
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize