someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
