I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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