i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
