So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Walk of Shame today included voting.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
