Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
