How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
