Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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