My liver just broke up with me...
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
