I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
