Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Send help, water and tortillas.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
