a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I will pee on everything he values.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
