I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
