I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
