If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
well you can't waste a boner
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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