i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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