guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
