New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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