My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
