When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
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