is your mom at the bar?
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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