Apparently you make a good broom.
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
